Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
