no, he came in my armpit
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
