i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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