I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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