Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize