I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
