All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize