i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I want to have your abortion
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
