They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
