Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
