I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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