Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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