So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
