I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
