I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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