I bet he comes in French.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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