omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
