Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
