Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
