apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
