i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
