we made out on top of his cat.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
