During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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