i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
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