I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
