Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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