i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
