Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
how does that bad decision feel?
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