Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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