So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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