my shit smells like andre
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
