Yo dont text me then not text me
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize