oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
