Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just found puke in my bra..
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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