Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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