Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
