Already got asked if we're dating
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
