dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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