Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
