yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
