If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Randomize
