Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
false alarm, still single
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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