so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just want nice things and good sex
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize