connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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