Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
