my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
