just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
