Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
