Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
