First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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