Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize