i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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