hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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