The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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