i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
