I haven't been this sober since birth.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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