On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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