wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
