I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
