Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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