PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
