i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
