It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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