just come out here and I will go home with you...
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
