i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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