Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
