my room smells like sperm. sweet.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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