it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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