Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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