I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
