sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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